There are dozens of skills I felt I had to magically cultivate when I became a wife. When I thought of the wives and mothers I looked up to in my adolescence, I felt in awe of all of the aspects of life they were able to hold together - managing family meals, cleaning, volunteering at school or church, budgeting, handling bills, organization, hospitality, and investing in familial relationships. But above all of those undertakings, the one that I feared the most was home design.
From a young age, I always felt a deficiency when it came to cultivating aesthetic beauty. In grade school, I’d longingly gaze at the other girls’ color-coded, well organized history notes, while covering my own sloppy scribbles with my school folder. My locker was messy and dull while most girls seemed to have a color-schemed locker adorned with a glittery mirror, lip gloss holder, and a fresh scent of fruit mist from Bath and Body works. Even in College, I kept a relatively simple dorm room mostly decorated with pictures of my friends and family, while the ones across the hall had patterned rugs, coffee tables, and cozy chairs. I felt haunted by this cultural assumption that girls ought to naturally care more about design and organization than boys. And while I appreciated pretty colors and organized spaces as much as anyone, creating beautiful things never came easy, and it always felt like a shot to my femininity.
Mine and My Husband’s First Apartment Together
So, when I realized that I’d be renting my first apartment with my soon-to-be husband, I felt an urgency to become the girl I always wanted to be - the one with the pristine History notes and cozy dorm room. Unfortunately for me, my personality also comes with stubbornness and a fair helping of pride, so I didn’t plan on asking anyone for assistance with this part of my life. I would transform all by myself…in a matter of a few months. I quickly found that I couldn’t simply buy my way into a beautiful home. No amount of trips to Ikea could teach me how to create functional spaces that worked for my family. No magazine could magically gift me with the instincts to know where to put my couch or what shade of carpet would go well with my furniture. What a relief it was to finally be honest with my husband one night about the pressure I was feeling and hear him say,
“I don’t care if you know how to pick out curtains! That’s not why I love you. We’ll figure it out together.”
I had to come to terms with the fact that unlike others, home-decorating just doesn’t fuel an inner fire for me, and this fact does not make me a deficient woman, wife, or mother. Just because I don’t get a burst of endorphins while scrolling through a Pinterest board, doesn’t mean I can’t have a home I’m proud of. See, I adore sitting in my colorful living room, when everything’s in its place, and there’s a candle burning on my mantle. I truly desire to live in a beautiful home. The process however, is not something I have to go through on my own. I wasn’t able to truly love my space until I requested help from those who really do love the journey of home design. I realized that I do have a style and vision - I just need the assistance of others to make my ideas realities.
I’ve been married for a few years now, have had a baby, moved four times, and I am only now beginning to feel content with our home design aesthetic. Our house feels like a reflection of my family’s personal style, functional needs, and even our held values. I cherish our time spent at home, partly because of the beauty I now enjoy.
With the acceptance of my own gifts as a woman, has come the freedom from the lie that we women have to be “the whole package” to be worthy of love and admiration. I bet those girls with the bedazzled lockers would love to help me pick out throw pillows for my bed, and I’d sure love to give them a book recommendation or teach them how to make enchiladas. If we were all good at everything, then maybe we wouldn’t know the joy that comes from relying on each other and using the strengths we have to better another person’s life. Let’s drop the facades and have the courage to ask for help when we need it.
Dawnielle Carr